A

9. Me seat bolt has just snapped in two - very problematic when half way through a 90 mile mountain ride in a foreign country.

10. Tread on tyre is down t' thou with inner tube bulging out and ready to explode at any moment - makes the art of descending very interesting.

11. I've lost me car keys on a 33% climb on a 110 mile sportive, 300 miles from home.

12. I'm turning left here lads, wife's got sommet ont rotisserie.

13. "first time I've been out in ages this"

14. "dropped me bottle, had to go back for it"

15. The torch batteries failed and the hamster got stuck.....Oh no sorry, wrong forum.

16. Couldn't complete the Marmotte because I've messed me shorts.

17. I've got a sore arse, will you stop for a minute?

I've got nettle rash, can someone find me a dock leaf?

Excuses? After last night's battering, I've got a whole host ready…

"It was the wrong sort of wind"
"It's harder for me in the wind because my head's a funny shape"
"I was following a bad wheel"
"I haven't been eating proerly"
"I haven't been sleeping properly"
"I'd already got 25 in before the gang started, because I'd been to work on me bike"

And some classics from previous decades…

"The dog ate my homework, sir"

"Oh dear…that's never happened to me before…it's the sight of you in that undwerwear. Give it half an hour and let's have another go."

"'Erm I'd been to the darts match down The Dog and Hammer and someone got impaled. I wanted to leave but we had to wait for the ambulance."

521. I couldn't get out of the saddle 'cos my shorts have gone see through?

522. "o 'eck, I've farted and followed through, got to stop, bye"

523. Soz for turning up late lads, gonna batter you old men for the last five miles cos I've got a new bike shop, got to look good and I can't batter them big lads on a Sunday. See ya....

"I got cramp and felt sick?"

Maybe?

Got to write bollocks and stretch truth past its limit, for the local press?

Been off for two weeks, not used t' speed